Marriage Maintenance

Marriage Maintenance indeed!

Recently I admit to loosing control of my ultimate goals: being a good mom while being a great wife (while also remembering my other family and friends). I know I can't be perfect but I do desire to be a good person who is willing to constantly improve myself (including admit I have been wrong...shhh. smirk). Becoming a mother is all I dreamed it would be and more. What I didn't dream about was what my new relationship with my sweet husband would be and what my own new needs would be. Recently I have found myself, irritable, rude, judgemental, having unrealistic/unspoken expectations, impatience and consequently feelings of inadequacy in my marriage. I know many women/relationships experience this influx of feelings at some point or throughout their marriage so I take comfort in the fact that I don't feel abnormal and there are 'sisters' out there to 'hold my hand' when I ask for it. For you, I share my experience below.

Mike, who knows I'm publicly writing this and supports my views, and I lived a great, carefree life before our kids came. As a matter of fact, I really do think we should have used our time (and money for that matter) much more wisely to benefit us today -but that is neither here nor there. I can confidently speak for Michael in saying he didn't 'dream' of being a dad or of being woke up at 4am or never getting to sleep in again for a long time or having a 2yr old squeal/scream with joy (or just to hear their own voice) while watching his favorite sporting event of the season- making us all deaf and irritated. He didn't dream of poopy diapers or the inconvenience of getting 2 children under 2 out and about. :) I think it is safe to say, that although he wanted children, he only 'dreamed' about how much it would cost him to adopt, clothe, feed and pay for a soccer football uniform one day. :) he he he. He loves our kids and enjoys, especially all the cute things they do and say. He also loves me and loves that I am a mom but... he still needs a wife who is kind, attentive and nurturing to him as well as his children. Not that he has complained (he should), but I cannot say I have been one of those 3 things to him in many months.

Yes, I am a mom and as such could rightly be described as a nurturer to my family... I am also an aspiring 'master multitasker'. I can multitask alright but I lack in many departments. One off the top of my head is that I plan so many things in my brain that need to get done in the next 20 minutes that if Mike tries to talk to me, I will not respond (for fear I will forget an item on my list) and I will not include him in my plan so that he might help me accomplish my goal. Consequently, he sometimes gets in trouble mentally or verbally for not 'reading my mind' and helping accomplish the goal. So, recently I have been making lots of 'plans' in my head from future goals to the next 5 minutes all with out consulting Mike. I have gone so far as to building resentment that he isn't reading my mind or taking initiative to anticipate my needs or that of the family. Not fair, I know, but it was happening. We would come home, get the kids situated and in bed then go our separate ways to detox from the day, then go to bed at 2am (or later!!). This has been out routine for many months, possibly getting worse when our baby C.G. surprised us with her presence but it's not her fault, we just never adjusted our routine to the new family dynamic. So... a month ago or so, I couldn't stand it anymore, I kept exploding at my unsuspecting husband, I was talking down to him, complained that we aren't talking enough, we need to make changes, I'm unhappy (not 'that' unhappy but it can quickly escalate to 'that'), he's not living up to my expectations, I don't like myself, why doesn't he 'care' that I'm so miserable etc. I was getting really depressed and was feeling down at work as well since all I 'wanted' was to stay at home with my kids (even though I still do love doing hair, I feeling staying at home full time with my children is a great benefit to them. Not to mention our revolving door of babysitters is frustrating to think of the effect on my kids). Finally, about a week later, I more humbly poured out my heart to my husband of which he was very compassionate. He did not understand everything I was talking about or all that I was concerned about but he did want to help me and help us. Backing up, A few years ago, we went to a great marriage seminar by Gary and Joy Lundberg. It was actually not only about marriage relationships but relationships with spouse, friends, family/step family, co-workers and any stranger you meet really. We have implemented a few of their suggestions since that time and even bought and recommended their book (above) to friends/family. Some things that stood out we have done are: going to each other rather than mom/family or friends when we have an argument (because you will go away from the others leaving them with an impression of your spouse and your relationship that may get fixed after you complain to them and they go on holding a grudge etc). Another was when you come home, whether you have children or not but even especially if you do, go straight to your spouse and give them a meaningful hug (physically connection) and a meaningful kiss. It shows your spouse you are #1 and shows your children that the parents are the top of the food chain. Beneficial now and later when they start their own relationships/marriage. Well, we bought their book but never read it nor did the workbook at the end despite our desire to. Fast forward to our current 'bump' in the road. We discussed how to help our marriage be better and decided to order the book again. Michael happily volunteered to not only order them but he'd get 2 copies so we each had our own to take notes etc. Thank you! Here is where we ordered ours for under $4.00 a book but you can get them way cheaper if you buy them used :). Before we read the books once they came, I had a heart to heart with my mom where I admitted to her that I felt inadequate in many ways, especially in how I had been speaking to Michael lately and also how I was feeling about him, "not living up to my high expectations" etc. She is fair and just in her advice which is why I go to her. She admitted she heard me talking to him recently (through our phone conversation) and thought it wasn't nice. ouch, She was right. She did not offer that I shouldn't but it was implied of course and I was willing to change which is why I was seeking her advice. I went on to explain my expectations of him when she said to stop it. ONLY my mom (or Mike) could be so bold with me, without me taking offence or being defensive. In her 'councel' (which was classic, asking me questions that I'm figuring out the solution myself style) to me, I took away that we were not 'serving' each other enough or at all and I needed to let go of what I expected when we were first married and focus on who we are now and where we are going. Ahhh... I felt so at peace, cause it was right. I felt instantly that the ideals I had and we had for ourselves 13 1/2 years ago, do not apply to today and it was ridiculous of me to not realize that before now!? But I am proud of myself for seeing it now and not having pride to hang on to the old fashioned ideals. We are evolving as individuals and as a family so our goals and dreams evolve and they can still be great. My mom asked what we do for each other physically (not sexually) and I was ashamed to realize, I have not been 'doing' anything for him in my stubborn rebellion of 'well, he hasn't done anything for me' type attitude. I was so consumed with caring for our kids during the day, I would stress myself out to 'clean the kitchen' for him, thinking it would make him grateful I was able to do that while also doing kid things during the day. Anyway, he loves a clean house but this wasn't the way to his heart. [no I haven't read the 5 love languages but would like to if I need it after this book]. I made a goal for myself to not worry about that he may not reciprocate but to just doing something nice for him. With my new outlook and confidence that I could help our relationship get better, I went to Mike and told him, I will not hold him to old expectations and love him for who he is today. I'd like to think I saw a spark in his eye of relief and pressure off. He does not wear his feelings on his sleeve where I do and things genuinely do not bother him. In fact we have discussed at length that he his a 'robot' with no feelings, ha ha ha, but I hope with this book, we prove that indeed, he does have feelings (somewhere, way down deep inside his Grinch heart, two sizes too small. ha ha ha). A couple days later, I surprised him when he had been busy busy busy by asking him if I could give him a foot rub. He was surprised and so happy cause he loves that. A few days later, I surprised him again when he had an even busier day and even though I also was tired, again, I put off what he knew I wanted to do and asked if he would like another foot rub. He LOVED it. I know it softened his heart and I know he knew I was trying really hard to show him I appreciate all he does for our family. A day or two later, after another personal meltdown by me, he came home from another busy day plus listening to my stress brain earlier over the phone while he was trying to work, (what day ISN'T busy btw?) but he put his stuff down and offered ME a foot rub. In just a weekend, our little family has made HUGE strides to a happier one. Tonight we got out our books, "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" and finally cracked the covers. ;) We read the introduction and first chapter; Principle 1- Be an Effective Validator. [The book is about Validation techniques]. Here is my first of many reports on what I've learned for myself so far: work on LISTENING to others when they come to you with a problem and do not interrupt and try to 'solve their problems'. This is hard for me because I am the middle of a large family and while were were raised to be very independent, you are bound to be dependant on each other for many things. I was always 'assertive' with my opinions growing up and have had only a little success with keeping my opinions to myself. You've gotta start somewhere right? :) Anyway, I'm looking forward to implementing that in my conversations, rather than taking over their challenge with my (good intentioned) 'solutions' (Mike never comes to me with problems so I'll have to store the technique up for him when he does). As cheesy as it may sound the book reminds us that we all have a universal need (whether we admit it or not), believe inside ourselves "I am of worth, My feelings matter, and someone really cares about me". (i know, jack handy) I admit I have those needs and many times feel insecure. I look forward to remembering that about all of you and reminding myself of my own worth more often.

Michael, I want you to know that you are a wonderful husband. I am thankful you do not see it productive to be negative and point out my abundance of flaws. :) You work 2 jobs for our family and also do my salons paperwork so you literally have 3 jobs on top of being an attentive husband and father. I am sorry that I have not always appreciated the hours you put in or that I have teased you that you aren't working as much as you say because you are always working. I am excited about our future and know I will work longer than I had anticipated in order to reach our goals. I am actually rejuvenated and looking forward to the changes ahead. I hope we will both be open and honest about our desires for one another and for our family and I look forward to spending more time with you. I love you and am glad you are willing to communicate with me better and make our marriage stronger. xoxo Schmoopie