Our Adoption Story

{Michael's hand, Evan's feet at 3 months old}

So... We were married in 1997 and even while dating talked about the children we wanted. We had big plans for 6. I was from 11 children and Mike was only from 2 but once he joined the LDS church (at 19), he was really inspired by the togetherness and fun these big LDS families had. I wanted to get started on those babies right away but my husband, the cautious logical one helped me see that waiting 2 years to get to know each other and establish our careers. Now this logic is all fine and good for 'other' people not raised Mormon but as far as I have witnessed, people of my faith do not understand this concept. lol. I'm not saying it's wrong because they make it work despite being in school and having no money etc but Mike wasn't one to 'go by faith', so I had to trust him and be patient. :) So, after our wedding, we went back to Tennessee, Michael continued work and school while I started hair school. We decided that now was time perfect time to live near my family in California because we agreed that once we have babies, we'd like to raise them in Tennessee so we left TN for CA after we were married a year, in hopes that we could get started with at least our first child while we were there. I wanted to be around my Mom to finally show me all the things I loved about raising her children and caring for her babies. Now in CA, Mike got a job working for Jeff Ludlow at Asphalt Professionals and I finished up Hair School and got my licence in 1999. I got a job at where else... an AVEDA Hair Salon :). I held Michael to the challenge of getting to try after 2 years and we officially started trying to get pregnant on or before that mark. I will go out there and say, I have always had a messed up cycle but the pill had regulated it. Once off the pill and now 'trying', every month I would wonder if I was pregnant cause 1. I really didn't know my body well 2. I really didn't know the female reproductive cycle either and didn't things like timing and temperature etc. (I think I had sex ed in... 5th? grade??). 3. Didn't get a cycle for 1 year after the pill and even then, it was medically induced!

{I tell these details to set up what heart break it is before the glory of children and there are those out there still wallowing in the heart break that I hope I can inspire to go get their children, their own way}

One year after trying we enrolled in a infertility class with Kaiser Permanente. They were VERY informative and even loving. They had a whole class with about 10 other couples? There was film and lecture explaining how the body works to make babies on your own but if that doesn't work then showed the steps to fertility treatments/options. They even said, many of you now learned something new and we will never see you again cause you will go home and be pregnant on your own within a few months. It was hopeful to seem that was us but I knew it wasn't. We started the fertility appointments soon after. It was a 45min drive each way, each time into Los Angeles traffic. We were lucky Mike had a trusting and flexible boss for the times he had to go with me. I may be a loud mouth to some but I am a total prude. I do NOT like Dr.s appointments, especially ones as invasive as the GYN can get. I was poked, prodded and probed for months and months and months and each month I would hope what they were doing was making me a future mommy. Mike was checked right away too (that is HIGHLY recommended as men's issues are commonly the problem and easier to be fixed) and we didn't feel alarmed by anything from his tests so we only focused on me. I was taking strong medications and I do not like taking medicine cause I don't think it's good for you. I like holistic options but it wasn't possible in my brain plus I was feeling desperate at some point, to have a baby immediately. While going through all this, I was very aware that I may not be able to get pregnant so Mike and I had a wonderful talk about our options. We knew there was the option of Adoption but didn't know a lot about it to be honest. We really hadn't talked about it but knew we wanted to consider it. One thing we knew right away was we wanted to exhaust the basic treatments before adoption cause we felt it was sad to take a 'spot' from another couple who really and truly couldn't get pregnant. In the meantime I had many talks with my friend Christi who is adopted herself, her 2 beautiful sons are adopted and she also struggled with fertility. She was the real deal for me and helped put it all into perspective. Once the fertility treatments entered the second year, I was counting the days that we could apply for Adoption. I had resolved any and all doubts about Adoption myths. I knew for sure the children who come to our home would be ours, meant to come to us from Heavenly Fathers arms through a birth family to our arms. I also came to know that we are sent here to earth for a purpose. I feel any children I raise or am related to or even mentor at church or in public, it's our 'calling' to help them be good people who love God and know he loves them too. I can do that! I can do it! I was more and more excited about Adoption and feeling very confident. With that said, fertility treatment taking it's toll and I was becoming severely depressed that I wasn't a mother, the hormones I was taking in 2-3 medications were destroying me. Meanwhile I cannot express how amazing a support Michael was. He was so loving and supportive that typing this I'm feeling his glow from that time. He wanted my dreams to come true and didn't mind if he got to be a dad too in the process. lol. Eventually our time in California was just finished. I wasn't happy and needed a change from the treatments and a fresh start at a new salon. Mike was surprised I was willing to leave with out having a baby, he was preparing himself to live in CA forever. I had no idea because I was so self absorbed and felt bad that I realized he was in a little spot himself. Wishing to go back to Tennessee but sacrificing for me to get what I wanted. So, despite his amazing job, in 2002, we decided to move back to TN. We moved within months and chose the town south of Nashville because it is more rural. We didn't know anyone here and it was great. I started working for a great AVEDA salon in town and was more than fulfilled working till the babies came. I needed to heal and we needed to find our way by ourselves. It took me awhile to have feeling again and to get the medications out of my system, probably a year. The time finally came to fill out Adoption paperwork and still, it took us a year to fill out. We had a very loving and informative case worker, Matt, at first. He helped us see hope for ourselves again that we would have children. Healing began, the 'wait' began. "Waiting" is a bad word in Adoption cause it isn't pro-active so we learned to be "looking for" our children and it really made sense. We made business cards, emailed everyone that we knew to keep their ears open for us etc, prayed throughout each day and even in our dreams. Like looking for a lost child really. We felt positive. In May 2008, I quit my job and went into business for myself at Salon Suites International. I opened "Lila's Chop Shop" in hopes to feel better and make a better schedule for the family I prayed for. As a year and a half went by there was barely a nibble on our profile according to our feedback and just when we felt we were on the horizon, a new case worker came to replace our beloved one. They were not the same at all. We expected a difference but I'm talking polar opposites. The new one never introduced himself or returned phone calls and even seemed to be annoyed. We didn't know what else to do so we just kept praying for our baby to come and for our birth mom to choose us because we couldn't count on him to help us. Specifically we prayed a birth mom would recognize something in us that felt familiar. After a lot of disappointment and discouraging moments, we got a call finally that the agency was asked by the birth mother to choose a couple for her. The birth family was African American and the agency knew we did not care what the race of our child was. We were told the mother was in labor and we could have a baby girl tonight in Atlanta. We prayed about it and while I was praying alone, I felt a literal jump for joy in my soul that made me giggle during the prayer. I knew it was right and I was going to have a precious daughter. As the minutes and hours and then days, and eventual weeks passed, it turned out the Birth mother was in false labor that day, still not due for a few weeks, no till the Friday before Labor Day. We had constant problems with her phone numbers and her not able to be found. The birth father was her boyfriend, a drug dealer and father to her 4 other children and no fan of her plans to place. He was not going to win a custody battle with his record but we believe he made sure it was impossible for her to k.i.t. with our agency. It constantly sounded discouraging only for a huge glimmer of hope to pop up. We have never prayed and fasted so hard in our lives. Everyone joined us and we just held on. On the due date, we hadn't heard from the mother in days so it looked bleak but still I held out hope. I was on the computer when I got the lamest email of my life! My caseworker EMAILED me that 'it looks like this adoption isn't going to happen, we will keep you in mind for the next opportunity..." blah blah blah. I was devastated he handled our hope in such a way (having just complimented us, in awe and encouragement that we were being so positive and faithful, days before!). Mike waited till after the holiday weekend to tell him that was uncool. But he didn't call me to apologize just yet. The next Friday while I was deciding when I should put the bassinet and baby girl things collected, away, the phone rang and it was him. I really took a deep breath hoping he was going to say he had our week old daughter for us. He didn't. He was calling to apologize finally on the week anniversary of his insensitivity. I told him I was ready to move on from that and concentrate on whatever is next (I really meant it) and he said "well, are you ready for this?"... uh... ready for what?... "Another birth mother has selected you. She is 17, having a boy and is in jail in Atlanta."... I couldn't believe my ears. After digesting his whole phone call I told him we'd have to pray about it. Really we were still so sure this little girl was ours that we expected his phone call  to be that the birth mother brought the baby to the agency and signed her over so to switch gears was crazy... right!? Well, after prayer and conversation, it's just what we did, switched gears. We talked to Courtney a week or so later, a few days after her 18th birthday when she was released from jail and it was like talking to an old friend on the phone.

We met her a week after that in Atlanta where we got to witness her meeting her new Dr and the baby's heart beat etc. It was like meeting a long lost relative. She told us she chose us because we seemed like the family she always wanted but never had. She explained she knew it wasn't her time to be a mother with no money, home and being estranged from her family. She now wanted to help our dreams come true. We were elated! We picked his name Evan because we learned it was her deceased mother's maiden name but was also on our 'list'. We went to IKEA on the way home to plan for a nursery that we planned to organize for her remaining 4 weeks only to get a call 2 weeks later that she was in labor! With no sleep, we left TN at 330am and arriving in GA and hour before he was born. We got there in time to for me to be her left leg holder and sort of coach. That was the most amazing part, especially since she had no family there and we were it for her. I felt a lot of responsibility to her, more that the baby at that point. A short while later out he came and she called to both of us "Your son! Your son is here!", waving for Michael to come up from the shadows. Indeed our son was here.

All 6lbs 6oz of him.

{first blogged photo}

We were whisked away to the room next door and told to feel our baby but really just hold him and talk to him. He was crying quite a bit but surprisingly, we didn't care and weren't worried what we were doing wrong, we knew he had just been born. 30 or so minutes later a nurse came to tell us Courtney was ready to see us. We were relieved cause we were anxious to see her. Her wishes were, not to hold the baby but as I came through the door with him, I barely finished stepping in before begging her to hold him. Whew, I could breathe now that I got that out and... she was ready.

 As she held him, it was clear she was inexperienced but she looked at him through tears and said, "He's a miracle, I created a miracle". Yes she did and we will never forget that moment, for me, THAT is the moment I allowed him to be mine. I knew she would be fine and I knew WE would be fine. We were finally a family and our dreams were coming true.

{taken at our hotel on his first night our of the hospital}

We keep in touch with Courtney as we have an "Open Adoption". She can call us if she wants and has a few times but is content with emails essentially. We have sent her pictures in the past but she moves a lot so it has proven difficult for her to keep track of her stuff so we don't anymore. She's also aware of our blog and will read it sometime I'm sure. We love her and secretly wish she would have more beautiful baby's for us. :) BUT we don't want her to do go through that and most of all, we want her to find a young man who loves and respects her, sweeps her off her feet, marries her and treats her right for 50 years. She deserves it and wants that fairytale.

{visiting Courtney when Evan was 5 days old. we left for home the next day finally!!}

When Evan was about 6 months old, even though I loved him fiercely and had no desires to miss a moment of his life, I also started getting "baby fever". In our agency, you are not allowed to apply for another adoption till your child has been placed with you for a year (but... if someone wanted to place with you specifically, you could adopt sooner than the year mark, so long as it is a direct referral). Because we now had a feeling for how the process works and knew we aren't getting younger, we were planning to have our paperwork in very soon after Evan was 1 so it was out there even for a birth mom who was just barely pregnant. Life happened naturally. There was laziness and procrastination so when Evan was 19 months old, we submitted our finished paperwork, the last being FBI finger printing that had to be sent off for back ground check basically. We were told this could take 10 weeks to come back. We were in mid-late May and had hoped to have approval by June so this was disappointing news that it would take so long. Still, it was only a month or two longer in the grand scheme of things so we buckled in for the wait. Meanwhile, my brother Bennett and his wife Jennifer (in So. California) who had a history of infertility whoas, suffering miscarriage and even the loss of a premature daughter, Elaina, that brought them to the gift of adoption twice, were now successfully pregnant with their second biological child, a daughter. Jen was scheduled for c-section on Wednesday June 2nd but Monday May 31st we found out she was going into labor on her own so they moved up the c-section. Juliet was born at 4am June 1st and everyone was doing great. We got read our message around 9am, Tennessee time (2hr time difference) and sent our excitement and congratulations. Mike went to work, I went on with my typical busy day with a 19 1/2 month old boy. He was up from a nap and playing while I contemplated what I should feed him at around 430p when my house phone, then cell, then house, then cell phone rang again from a number and area code I didn't recognize so I didn't answer it. Luckily she left a message! :) It was Kristyn, someone we 'knew' from when Mike worked for her Dad in So. Cal and we were friendly with her back then but the last time we saw her, she had graduated H.S. and left for college in Utah (I think Utah? hehehe). She was calling from Sacramento, California (where she now lives with her husband and 3 boys, including at the time a just weened 4 month old!- important to know so you can visualize how much she was involved in helping us despite her family responsibilities. She's an angel btw) where she said that a woman she Visit Teaches just had a baby girl this morning and called Kristyn to help her place the baby for Adoption. "So if you want a baby girl, call me back." :) What had happened is Kristyn called her parents in So. Cal for advice about what to do and they both said, "Call Mike and Lila!" So she did! We are grateful to this whole family for their love of us and remembering how much we want children to make this happen. Anyway, after listening to the message and picking my jaw off the floor because it had only been a week and a half since turning our paperwork in and it wasn't 'approved' yet, I nervously called Mike, praying he would be ready and say yes. We'd honestly hoped for a baby in 6months but that is really setting the bar high and here we were, not even approved and a baby is laid in our laps. Last minute, life changing, serious decisions, not Mike's strong point, ha ha ha, so I was legitimately preparing for him to say no as I listened to the phone connecting the slowest it's ever rang through. He answered, YES! :) I asked if he too received  a barrage of phone calls and if he knew what they were about or who they were from. He'd noticed them but was on a business call and couldn't address it yet. I told him what it was and to please not shoot it down or even talk, that I wanted to hang up, allow him to pray about it and I'd call him back in a few minutes. He agreed. I quickly called my Mom then Bennett to get their support and prayers going to help us make a good decision. They understood but my sister in law was in the back ground freaking out with excitement already that we might both have baby girls on the same day. ha ha ha. I hung up, said a real prayer myself then called Mike, again, nervously but hopeful. He said YES! "We've gotta do it." I said not another word, I'm calling her back before you have the chance to change your mind :) ha ha ha. Part of the whole thing was, we knew nothing about the baby or birth mother. We didn't know race, age of mother, healthy history, nothing, normally, you'd get to know those things before placement. Instead we slowly got trickled in information from Kristyn and Wayne the CA caseworker in our agency. We still hadn't got a response from our caseworker in Indiana (and wouldn't till the next morning). We set up a phone call with the birth mom for that evening at 8pm. Before the call, we learned the following: her name was Cyndee, she admits she was in denial she was pregnant so had no prenatal care but "tried to eat healthy". She's, single, 40 and has a 20yr old daughter, Jessica from her first marriage and 3 sons from her second marriage, ages 9, 11 and 12 (currently staying with her ex-husband and still didn't know their mom was pregnant or had had a baby). Cyndee is currently single. Her daughter Jessica could be heard crying in the background of the phone call and I was told she had THE hardest time understanding what is going on. I learned later that she had a hard childhood and was afraid her sister would too and wanted to adopt her herself and protect her. We knew she would be hard to win over and started praying for Jessica to understand. Cyndee was very kind and loving. She expressed that she had always wanted to be a surrogate for someone and felt at this time, not being married and not having the right home for her baby, she knew she would place her for adoption with someone who couldn't have a baby. I think she was surprised that asking for Kristyn's help meant a direct suggestion of a family instead of just getting her in touch with LDSFS. :) She was happy about it. We talked for about 30 min and parted planning to see each other the next day. I went home and made a flight for the next afternoon and called my brother Jesse who lives in the Sacramento area to ask if he'd like some surprise guests for a few days-weeks starting tomorrow! lol. Jesse and Kelli were thrilled and started preparing their home for our family. In the morning our caseworker Dave called back finally to tell us our paperwork (miraculously) came in on Monday and we were good to go! Mike stayed home from work so I could run errands of; putting a closed sign on my Salon door etc. getting a few baby girl things, a baby book and go to the jewelery store to look for something special for Cyndee to say thank you and remember us. I found a diamond and heart shaped necklace so the baby would be represented as the diamond in the heart. It was perfect.

I rushed home as Evan was waking up from his nap so we could get ready for my friend Denise W. to take us to the airport. Michael was staying home for one more day so finish up some things. I had so much luggage/diaper bag/purse, a car seat for Evan and a ACTIVE 19mo old, I was exhausted walking through the airport. Jesse picked us up at 930pm (1130p for Evan) but I had a message on my phone that Cyndee wanted to see me... tonight! (did I mention I was exhausted and so was Evan...:) I wanted to see my baby but I was so tired, I was really glad Jesse was there and so sweet cause he offered to watch Evan in the car while I ran into the hospital. It was at least 10pm by the time we got to the hospital and boy was I nervous! Jessica would be there and emotional so I prayed the whole walk to the room and as Kristyn went in to let them know I was there, I prayed again for Jessica to have peace when she met us and know we want the very best for Cora. I felt peace and went to the room. I could see and hear Jessica sobbing with a crying baby in her tight embrace but Cyndee waved me to herself and we shared a big hug. You would have thought we knew each other before but that's how it is when it's meant to be I've learned. I was introduced to a few family members that were there as I talked to Cyndee. They all wanted to know what we are naming her. Jessica was still sobbing and had her back to me but I told them, "We want to name her Cora Grace". Cyndee liked it, it reminded her of a cousins name, she asked... "do you want to hold her?" I was timid because of Jessica's feelings but Cyndee pressed. I said, I would love to and she gently took her from Jessica without a fight. As she placed Cora in my arms, as soon as she touched my finger tips, she stopped crying and started looking all around the room. I felt a bond to her instantly, as if she had been born to me that day. (I felt this feeling with Evan also but not until the day his Adoption was finalized).

born in Sacramento, CA. 7lb 5oz of healthy happy baby. Blond hair, future blue eyes. 1/2 Mexican (although the 50 something birth father is said to have fair skin and blue eyes), 1/2 Caucasian.

Jessica came around and looked at me finally. She had peace! I could see it and feel it, my prayers were answered. We had a small but satisfying visit. I was at peace myself when I left. Thankfully Evan was asleep and we went home to Jesse's and put him to bed. After a fun reunion with my sister in law, filling in all that had happened in the last 24 hours, I finally got to sleep myself. The next day, I met with Wayne to discuss what was next. To my surprise I found out that Cora would not only be discharged from the hospital today but that I would be taking her home this afternoon! By myself! I was elated because I thought Mike would have to be there before we could take her 'home' but it was not true. I got the baby stuff I needed on the way home to Kelli's and she let Jesse know the plan. Jesse decided to leave work early to come with me to the relinquishment meeting. Ahhh, I was so grateful. At 3 we waited for Cyndee's entourage to arrive while we talked to Cora's temporary foster mom. When Cyndee got there, she had her Mom, Marlene and niece with her. She was being led to another room but when she saw me, let her family right to me to say hello. It was so sweet but also emotional. Marlene immediately pressed forward for a hug and to tell me that she had a ring for Cora that was given to her from an Aunt (all birthdays in June). I couldn't believe how overwhelmed I was with love and compassion. They went to the room for signing her papers (rights) while Cora went with them to spend time together alone while Jesse, the Foster mother with her daughter and I waited outside. We were called in and I immediately went to Cyndee who handed Cora Grace to me lovingly, letting me know she is mine. We had a loving visit, one of understanding and joy, new life. I had since learned that Cyndee used drugs, alcohol and smoked throughout her pregnancy 'but tried to eat right'. Cyndee's water broke on Monday May 31st but she choose to labor alone at home till the morning. She called 911 in the morning when she thought she was in labor. Her mother found out her daughter was even pregnant when the ambulance showed up at her house (same property). Incidentally, Cora was born in the ambulance and later she and Cyndee tested positive for Methamphetamine. :( (Cora Grace never showed any signs of withdrawl, neither any symptoms of addiction and was given a clean bill of health within days. Ahh...) Now sitting next to Cyndee at the relinquishment meeting I could see every line of worry and dark circle of a hard life, needing me to care for this daughter. Marlene, finding out a lot of truths of her daughters private life expressed how grateful she was that we were active in the Church and that my husband holds the priesthood. Having my brother there to show them my extended families faithfulness and dedication to the gospel was icing on the cake. I was thrilled with that but now could concentrate on the beautiful tiny baby in my possession. Jesse and I got to take her home and introduce her with big brother Evan, his wife Kelli and his kids Adelle and Stewart. Stewart was the most interested next to Kelli. He wanted to know how this 'thing' worked. :) Adelle was happily playing by herself and Evan was completely oblivious that any of us existed.LOL. Kelli and Jesse were so good to us! It's not every day a brand new baby who isn't yours is brought home from the hospital to YOUR house. I would LOVE to be on that end of this too and maybe one day we'll be able to help someone by hosting our home for them. Mike finally flew in at 8pm and brought us yummy In-n-Out for dinner. When he came in the door, he came right to Cora and held her. :) She was sleeping and the moment was sweet caught by lots of pictures and celebrations: here.

The next day was Friday and Cyndee's family met us at Kristyn's house to celebrate. Here are those pictures and some on this blog so you don't have to follow the link:

Mike and I with Cyndee at Kristyn's House. Cora is 3 days old.

This is Cyndee's family that we were blessed and privileged to meet:
Her brother and his wife, 2 sisters and their daughters, Marlene Cora's birth grandmother, Cyndee's children, Jessica (her boyfriend) and Cyndee's 3 sons. We were especially smitten with taking pictures of Cora with her 1/2 siblings. The boys had no idea their mom was pregnant or had a baby till she called to ask if they could come and meet the baby before we took her home. I'm grateful her ex husband allowed this visit for them and for us. My brother Jesse is pictured with his wife Kelli and their son Stewart (laughing at Evan). Adelle was at a friends house. :)

As our spouses are not blood related to us, we love them passionately, include them in our every thought and deed and they become our family and are proudly part of our family, so then are our children through the gift of Adoption. :)