so sad and so stressed out

I have been so overwhelmed in the last couple months. {hence the no posting and barely using my camera} When you dream of being a mother (for instance) you imagine, throwing your kids in the air, hugging and loving them, watching movies together while cuddling, going to play mini golf, playing sports, chasing butterfly's and puppies... not... Talking back 3 year old, sneaky 21month old, working mommy, busy daddy. That's not what bothers me the most. In the new year I was 'cocky' thinking, not only did I feel Evan was great at 2, turning 3 in October hadn't really hit any hitches either. (i don't consider his activeness a problem, even if it's tiring sometimes) No sooner did I think that when the new year came and so did many unforeseen changes with unforeseen reactions. Evan had moved up to the 3 year old class at Day care and graduated from Nursery at church to the big kids primary class, Sunbeams. The day care move was wonderful for the first couple months till my favorite of his teachers, the attentive one, moved to the night because of her school schedule. At church he had a whole new group of leaders and teachers to 'direct him' plus tons more kids to be distracted by. His 2nd? week in Primary, my friend came to tell me that Evan tried to bite someone! I couldn't believe it. he has NEVER tried to bite, ever. As a matter of fact, we were so happy that when he kept getting 'boo boo reports' from day care because he was being bitten, we were glad it wasn't the reverse. I attempted to handle it right away and as far as I know, he hasn't done that since. That was a Sunday of course, well, Thursday at day care, he had a new teacher to replace the old for day time and that evening, Mike got a report that he did bite the new teacher! I was really upset about this. He'd never so much as attempted it before and to me it felt like he was on a rampage or something, even trying to bite me a couple days later. He has learned 'we don't bite people, we only bite food', thankfully (and there hasn't been any more reports of it). The week after biting the day care teacher was when Courtney called on a Thursday for us to meet her last minute in Memphis that Saturday/Sunday (only to not show up). That day I also sent Evan to school for the first time in underwear because he's been doing amazing on the potty front. He came home with 2 pairs of wet pants and underwear, now wearing a diaper. What the heck?! The old teacher was very reassuring of how vigilant they would be, when he came in underwear, knowing it was new for him. Whatever, I tried to get over it but hoped they'd be on top of it more the next time he came. Friday the day before we left for Memphis, I took him in a diaper because it felt like they weren't ready for him to be in underwear. When I got there, an old teacher I don't interact with was there and I decided to see if I could talk to her quickly about the wetting and be reassured he wasn't biting still (though the school is VERY good about sending home 'accident' reports on such things fyi). I was concerned that all these new changes in his 3 year old world were too much for him and I was feeling like a failure to recognize some 'sign' of what to do for the poor kid. So, I asked what happened that he came come in a 3rd pair of pants the day before. She attempted to explain that he's in "transition" (don't know what that means and didn't want to interrupt, then forgot to get clarification) and "not ready right now" to potty train. ???? I was so confused. 2 weeks before I was encouraged to send him in underwear cause he WAS ready. Anyway, she paused and said, "Can I ask you a question? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to....". Ummm... I said "Sure?" "... Have you ever had him... 'tested'". I asked, "for what!?" (proper peeing technique in day care? lol) "Well.... for ADD"? Ooooooh goodness. So Thaaat's it. He of course has to have ADD. I said, very pointedly "No, and he's not going to. He's only 3." She said she was only asking because he walks on his toes and 'used to' parallel play but now more group plays... and ... "I know he's adopted... so sometimes you don't know his health history... my son was diagnosed with ADD, now we're testing him for Autism".** I'm pretty sure my blood was boiling so bad for not only trying to give him a disorder that can't possibly be assessed at 3 (if so, all 3 year old would be ADD) and that she somehow thought it appropriate to bring up his adoption (as if she knows anything about it or him. THIS IS OUR FIRST CONVERSATION remember) at that point in defense of my sweet baby who YES has more energy that an army of children and also uses his words to tell you NO if he doesn't like something or want to do what you ask. (he doesn't always get his way or anything but I like my child to speak their mind cause guess what... I do!) I informed her that if she'd like I could call his birth mother right now and clarify any of her health concerns but yes, she walked on her toes, so does he. We quickly wrapped up our conversation before I could have any more reactions and on my way out, she said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." (not the most sincere person you'll ever meet fyi, hence I never talked to her before) With the stress of leaving for Memphis and the disappointment of Courtney's no show and the swirling disappointment of the earth crumbling under my feet, I didn't 'report' this for 2 more weeks and she "apologized" when we cleared up a few things. Back to that day though, after I left the teacher and drove to work with my brain about to explode with thoughts, I pulled into my parking space after relaying the morning to Mike over the phone and I just prayed. I don't like to be defensive, I want to be open to whatever either of my children may need but I knew in my heart, this is not Evan. Except I'm not popularly opinionated and the world loves to diagnose babies with disorders. . . I started clearing my mind a bit after the prayer and thought, I wouldn't mind to have Evan observed to see if his behavior in a group like that is 'typical', much less, his behavior at home (again, I really can't complain about it, except he sure keeps me on my toes many days). I was early to work so I called a friend while I sat in my car. I knew her son was receiving some sort of behavioral therapy (lucky kid seems opposite of Evan, quiet and calm. What's that?! lol) and I trusted her to give me some direction if she knew, that I could consider to refer Evan to. All I needed was to open my mouth to her on the phone to then burst into tears about it all. I was having MAJOR feelings of parental inadequacy and was now VERY concerned about Evan's well being and whether these teachers at day care AND church were judging him on these new behaviors or what if they are thinking he's 'the bad kid'. You know what is inevitable there, he will be treated differently and not in a good way. No mom wants that for their child. No person wants that for themselves. My friend tried to be very patient with me and lovingly assured me she would ask some questions to qualified people to steer me in the right direction. I thank her greatly for that. I went to work with cried off make up and was SPENT at the end of the day for thinking about this all day. When I did go home, there was Evan. Cheering to see me, running for a welcoming hug, rambling off all the smart things he has to say and I about collapsed from shame of starting to doubt his abilities. I had started to believe these fears, I realized. In reality, he, in my mommy opinion is perfect (ly imperfect like the rest of us but it doesn't mean he needs to be labeled and set on a 'shelf' by anyone). I knew I could work harder with him. I was already successful in helping him not bit so I can do more.

Mike and I talk to him about 'walking on his flat feet', it's good for development of his foot as he gets older regardless. I will meet with his pediatrician soon for added advice. I just love Dr. Coleman. If he attempts biting, 'bad words' (stupid, shut up) or spiting, he gets soap in his mouth and he's really stopped! I love it. We've made good strides, Evan has championed potty training, only wearing a diaper/pull-up at night and it really makes a difference around here. (SIDE NOTE! Last night I was going potty (yes I'm a mom so the door is open for my quick stops) real quick when Cora Grace runs in, naked, and sits on the little potty as usual. This time she had a glimmer in her eye so I encouraged her to go pee pee... and SHE DID!! It was the cutest little pee pee you ever did see and she was SOOOO proud of herself, of course, we were too. I can't wait for summer, maybe I'll have no more diapers Whoo Hoo! The girl can't talk but she can tinkle a bit lol) Anyway... at church, it's a challenge for both kids because as a fact they NEED a nap but they go down at 1pm. Church this year is .... 1pm! :((((( Booooooo! The kids are miserable and therefore, Mike and I are MISERABLE. Even though both kids are now in classes for 2 of the 3 hours, I'm constantly worried if Evan is going to try to bite again or the fact he doesn't like to sit down or the other day I saw him rolling around on the floor in Primary! YIKES. His actual teacher used to babysit him for a couple months but that's no help cause he overwhelmed her then (he was 2 and boy and she had a baby girl, just younger than CG) and I'm sure her feelings of overwhelmment are worse now, poor thing. I have been working with him to see what works to motivate him to sit still or to be quiet and today after mentioning a little each day, I got it. He loves these "ABC 123" crackers from Kroger and asked for some on our way out the door to church. I said, YES you can have those IF you are very good and Choose The Right (just happens to be the theme of Primary this year) in Primary today so I can give them to you as a treat later. "TREAT" is a special thing to him so he didn't argue, I'm shocked actually. He understood and agreed. We talked more about on our drive while we listened to our Primary music CD. He was so sweet when we got to church, after dropping CG off at Nursery (he usually begs to stay there with her but not today), he took it upon himself to show me how he can be reverent and walk to class with me. He folded his arms all the way to Primary even with us taking a couple detours. (that's a lot to ask of a 3 year old brain). He loves to do things by himself and was very proud of himself. I was really optimistic. Problem was... his teacher wasn't in her class. I knew this would mess with his 'revernce' mojo so I sat with him in the 'holding room' for kids before their teacher arrives. That was it. By the time she got to her class, Evan's resolve had dissolved and he threw a GIANT tantrum when we were about to go in his class and I attempted to sit him down. I didn't blame him. Little ones need routine and order and his is shattered before he even comes with NO NAP! Now I was feeling frustrated cause I just knew, he would be judged and I could do nothing to help him. He'll have to prove himself. I just waited outside, hoping he would listen to his teacher and calm down. It seemed to work, he was quiet after she used keen skills to help him get distracted from his melt down, so I went to class. It was Fast Sunday so I hadn't eaten, I've been fighting a sore throat and was getting a major head ache by this time and now adding, worried about Evan to the list (and CG cause she's been coughing and runny nose for past 24ish hours and I gave her allergy med before church. I was mildly expecting to hear she was having a melt down). At the end of meeting 1 we were having a few minutes for testimonies when we all heard Evan's teacher yelling for him to STOP (obviously running from her. :( boo.) and "come here". I went out to try to help the poor (pregnant fyi) girl from having to keep chasing him but she's already got him. Still I asked her to stop for a moment so I could tell him that was naughty to run away and not mind her. I explained she has a beautiful special baby growing in her tummy and she has to be very gentle and doesn't need to run after him. I told him he needs to mind her and listen. He apologized for not listening and for making her run. In the break between meetings 1 and 2 about 10minutes later, I went to check if Evan needed to use the restroom. He did and when we came out there was a meeting in the hallway with Evan's teacher and the Primary President that they called us over to. Little did I know, it was about Evan and I am not happy about it. Here was worse than my fears of judgement. The President let me know they've called a special helper, just for Evan, in his class. I wanted to die. I was mad, sad, depressed, feel like a failure, disappointed for me and for him because this is all they get to see about him. The don't get to see he's started spelling words on his own (mom, dad, evan and cora), loves to sing, will repeat any word you say perfectly (that's hard!) and thrives in a smaller group and etc. I know what is said when you ask for a teacher for one child (of the 40+) in a Primary and it makes me sad, feel like I've failed him. I do know however, that Evan is a distraction, he needs to learn to listen to his leaders there and I can't hold his hand in all things, neither can his teacher control him AND teach everyone else. This has all been so emotional for me! I'm sure the leaders are doing their best in calling a special teacher but it hurts me. I didn't know what a burden he was for them (to this extent) and thought Mike and I were making great strides with him. Despite his run away routine and tantrum at the beginning of class, I had thought he did well, only to happen upon this meeting. I guess he was being very bad all day. :(. It's no use asking him, he has no idea what he does in class so all I can do is ask him to Choose The Right and be nice to his teacher and friends. Anyway.. the LAST thing I need and want right now is someone else to suggest Evan has ADD because I might just tear their head off. You really need to point any fingers at my children's inadequacies at me, the parent. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm learning. I rough house with my kids so they aren't the sit still kind. I'm sarcastic with them and we're all crazy. In times like this I just want to hide them away from judgement, 'keeping them safe' but they and I won't learn anything that way so I will try to be more open, less defensive and listen myself. My great friend Linda just posted on her crafty blog that as she's entered life with a 3rd child, she was impressed by the spirit to never cease in prayer (Moses 1:18) to Heavenly Father for guidance and reassurance. I'm so glad I read that tonight. It's one of those, "I knows" but I wasn't doing it well enough. I will try harder this week for more guidance in many things.

In closing I want to say I love Michael who is a WONDERFUL listener. He is not the type of husband to just take your side. We disagree a lot in fact but we always come to a united front after we discuss the matter. He patiently listened to my concerns on this subject as they arose and has given me very sound advice and encouragement (reprimanding when needed) and I'm grateful to him for that. I love you honey. To Evan, among other things, you are so funny and extra sweet and oh so smart. I'm so glad someone over heard you lean over to me in Sacrament today and say "mommy... I love you" and it gave us both a smile and calmed mommies troubled heart. Cora Grace, among other things: even though you fool people with your dimpled chubby cheeks, blond curls and blue eyes because we know the real rascal that you are, we love you so much for your sweetness and sensitivity towards others (even if it was you that pushed them down!), mostly your infectious hearty laugh. Mike and I are again, so lucky to have you both and blessed to be the ones to struggle to raise you in these last days to be righteous children of God. We are trying our best and learning new ways every day, Please forgive us for leaving some things out along the way.

Families are Forever. xoxo Lila/Mommy

** addendum: I want to clarify that I think the Primary are doing their job well, it just feels rotten as the parent to see and hear these things, that's what is stressful. I have been Ward Primary president twice and Stake Primary President. I know all too well, how these things unfold but that they also work out and have every confidence that this is hopefully an adjusting faze for Evan. He's young, he'll learn It's only March for goodness sakes. He's been there like 4 for 5 Sundays with illness and being out of town. Also Day care: one of the reasons, I think the teacher in question doesn't get along with Evan is he is one of the few, if not the only child in the  15+ class that is part time. Not only is he part time, he comes on Thursday. Every child that starts Monday gets their weekend jitters out and by Wednesday, they are firmly in a routine. I'm sure the MOST energetic child coming in on Thursday seems EVEN MORE energetic when he interrupts the now established routine. If that is the case, I truly feel for them but it's no excuse to attempt to 'diagnose' children you have no business assessing when you have no training to do so. Hopefully that's it. ;)