I am LUCKY. My Heart is full.

I don't have a picture to show you but I can create it with my journal. God has been so good to me and my family. This is the busiest time of my life. Before having children, even though I had the best time with my husband, I was bored... waiting for them to enter and 'excite' my life. Oh, they're doing that alright. :) They also excite others lives, in good and in challenging ways. ha ha ha. I do remember sitting and daydreaming on the couch before kids thinking, 'I will never do this when they are here, there will be no time.' Thankfully, I am sitting on the couch as I type this and the Lord has provided these times so I can document it for my family. He's also given all he's given for my learning and edification as a neighbor, woman, wife and mother. I had to stop blogging months ago because I needed to focus on my family more. It was a good vacation. I feel like for the first time in months, I'm seeing the sunshine through the clouds of not knowing what to do. Don't get me wrong, I have had such fun days with my family especially the kids but with the background noise of "i need to do more, i need to learn more, i need to be more", hanging over my head. I now realize I don't need to put so much pressure on myself and I'm not sure how I got there anyway because it's not like me.
Evan does not like to go to day care. He and Cora Grace only go 2 times a week but it's at the end of the week. I have come to some conclusion that this doesn't work well for him. I reluctantly put them in day care in the first place as I had always planned to be a stay at home mom. As reality showed me they would have to go, I resolved myself to see the positive in it and chose a daycare that also did some education as I saw my son so eager to learn anything you teach him. He was 2 1/2? when he started and already knew his alphabet, upper and lower case letters, home phone number and address. I hoped the teachers would see this and build on it as I had no clue what I should teach him - i was afraid of telling him too much so he wouldn't be bored in Kindergarten once he got there (I'm not worried about that anymore). I feel I was a lazy parent after that, assuming they would teach and cultivate his brain those academic things, instead, it was day care. He had fun doing crafts and getting read to etc but he was scratched and bitten every week for months, thankfully he wasn't bothered by this so we didn't demand action or anything. Academically his "report cards" didn't acknowledge the things I knew he already knew either. I brushed it off as they got him on an off day? Later when he moved to a new class, he experimented in the same behaviors shown him. "OH JOY!" Not only there but at Church as he began Sunbeams. It has been a lot of challenges with his behavior since then but through it he remains, smart as a whip, sweeter than nectar, great with Cora especially, loving to those who show him sincere love and interest and he's been very helpful with anything we ask. As a parent we see his energy, yes, but we see those sweet things so it's very confusing to hear the challenges he has had for the past year+ at day care and at church (running out of his classroom, tantrums, talking back). 6 or so months ago, he started having tantrums in various forms for the first time ever to express his dismay for something. We have been so confused! It is also frustrating to hear people judging him that don't know him and I'm afraid, my defence of him, made it worse because I was focused on correcting them, rather than showing Evan the love and attention he was crying out for. "I don't LIKE day care, I don't want to go there." and "I don't want to go to church or daycare". He started saying they were "dangerous", when I asked what that meant, he said they were "too loud", I've asked what that means and he says, "they are noisy". Well, he's right about that! lol. I've never been to a louder primary before but I couldn't believe it bothered him for real. I thought it was an excuse, as he's a very smart/wise kid, perceptive to his surroundings. Daycare, is 21 kids in class and his classroom is also the hallway for 2 other classes so there's lots of noise and even more distractions. Recently Evan received his first warning and they only get 3 before being expelled from the day care, 2 calendar weeks but only 4 days later, even though "he actually had a really great day today... till his teacher left for the day (at 5p)". By the time I came to pick him up that day at 6, he had a 2nd warning. UGH! He doesn't get it, doesn't understand the repercussions or his actions, doesn't know what it means that he could be kicked out of his school/daycare. THIS is the point that brought me and Mike to our humble knees. We just love this kid. We know his potential and we know that God sent him to us for us to be the ones to fight for him and encourage his potential. We are all created in His image so we know Mike and I can do more for Evan and we know, even at just 4 years old, Evan has more he can do for himself and more he can understand even at this age. A wise wise friend and fairy godmother recently expressed to me that Evan may be my, get on my knees child and I realized, I hadn't really been there. She was wise and the spirit knew he could use her to get through to my walled up heart where I shut everyones opinions out, to protect my innocent child. I got on my knees and am still there and there is already progress. I am seeing loving guidance from my Heavenly Father and I am remembering to thank Him for his hand in turning our heads. I feel very optimistic for Evans near future because I decided to trust my Heavenly Father - go figure. I just got caught up in the fluff of life and I'm mad about it so I'm now channeling that same energy to being proactive for Evan (and Cora Grace). So, if you see Evan and he's having a hard time, please, give him love, give him attention, don't analyse and dissect him just treat him as Christ would. Forgive me for being a sub-par parent and influencing some of his bad behaviors too. I'm working on myself in the process and it's a lifetime commitment.
I am grateful for a husband who loves and supports me and our family in whatever we need. He has been very busy with his professional life and church obligations yet he gives to our family freely and completely and sometimes I don't realise it as I should. I love you Michael. I just love that Evan, he takes my breath away. Mike and I STILL check on him after he's gone to sleep to marvel at him, that he's ours and that we even have a him to check on. Cora Grace is still a joy, she is INDEPENDENT and so loving and accommodating, a future mother already. Strangers and friends alike still comment on her cuteness and I hope she keeps that spirit forever. Even my puppy Smokey who's got to be 13 now? is the sweetest dog, letting the kids bother him, loyal still to me even though I abandoned him 4 + years ago for a brown eyed human baby :). What I'm "lucky" about is not really just my family but for the gospel and being able to communicate with a loving Heavenly Father when I feel dispare or when I am feeling carefree. I'm lucky He lies in wait to love and guide me when I'm ready to come to him or have forgotten to check in and guess what, he forgives me. I am lucky. I am lucky to have listened to his promptings and together with Mike, steered Evan in a more positive direction for the past two weeks and today at Sonic, waiting for our food got the unexpected exclamation from Evan, "Mommy.... I love you and Daddy." It's not unusual for him to say that to us but today, it felt like a trophy for loving him better than before and not giving up on him like others around him have. I love learning and look forward to what's next for me and my family members. It's refreshing to type again. I miss it, as has been said before, I hope I'll be back soon. xo Lila